Who are we?

We have been given a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of dispair.  Through the righteousness of Christ, we are like great oaks that the Lord has planted for His own glory! ~ Isaiah 61:3

I was recently asked to share my story at a reunion celebration for Surrendering the Secret, as a token representation of where each of us has been and from what we have come through. However, in asking the Lord what to say, He reminded me that my story is not about what I've been through or work I have done, nor the works of others helping me heal this pain from my past. Instead, my story is one of many; each one meant to glorify the name of the Lord. Every redemption a praise offering to Him for healing this wound in His bride.

I am humbled to be able to be amongst those who know the tremendous blessing it is for each fo us to hear our redeemer's voice through Surrendering the Secret. This sisterhood is comprise of women from our early 20's to late 60's. We are your pew mates, your friends, your daughters, your ministry leaders, your pastor's wives, your Bible study teachers, your sisters. We come from strong Christian upbringings and non-believing homes. We have experienced abortion as long ago as 30 years, or as recently as 2 days prior to finding our Surrendering group.

• One out of every 4 pregnancies conceived in the United States is terminated through abortion (about 1.2 million per year).


• In more than 14 metropolitan areas, abortions outnumber live births.


• More than 30 million abortions have occurred since 1973.


• Approximately 45% of women seeking abortion today have had at least one prior abortion.*

We each have hidden from our pain using drugs or alcohol, relationships, eating disorders, perfectionism, our earthly children, careers, image manipulation, our church persona, even service to our Lord. Yet for all that hiding, we felt separated, distant from God. Alone. Like we were the only one not able to look our Heavenly Father completely in His eyes.

• 
  
  92% of women who've had abortions experience emotional deadening


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  86% experience anger or rage


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  86% fear others finding out


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  82% experience intense feelings of loneliness or isolation


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  63% experience denial


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  58% battle nightmares


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  56% develop suicidal feelings


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  53% engage in drug abuse


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  39% have eating disorders**

Until whatever initially drew our attention to Surrendering the Secretunsettled something inside of us, so that our spirits would no be quiet.  Because in our hearts, places we might not have even admitted to ourselves, we knew God had something to say about our past abortions.  So we make that phone call, get into a group, and then some of us try desperately to get out of said group.  Eventually, we make it through the doors, wearing our masks of "I'm fine;" but underneath we are broken, frightened, and ashamed.  We spend time in God's Word, the only thing that will set us on the path to His healing.  As the weeks progress, we peel off layer after layer of the shame we endured, the lies we've believed, the anger we buried, and the pain we cling to.  We surrender all of our secret to Christ, until we kneel at the foot of the cross, ready to finally trade our past for the promise of His future.

And then, what initially brought us to this group is no longer what defines us; nor does it bind us in sisterhood now.  We are now defined, along with every believer, as a beloved child of God through Jesus Christ ~ a holy people redeemed by the Lord for His glory (Isaiah 62:12).

*http://www.awpm.net/abortion_facts.php

**Layton, Pat.  Surrendering the Secret: Healing the Heartbreak of Abortion. Lifeway Press, 2008. pg. 45

I will

“’As a shepherd looks after his scattered flock when he is with them, so will I look after my sheep. I will rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness. I myself will tend my sheep and have them lie down,’ declares the Sovereign LORD. ‘I will search for the lost and bring back the strays. I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak’”
Ezekiel 34:12, 15-16 [part]

I am a bit of an English nerd (thanks, Mom!). While I’m certainly not an expert, I do like my modifiers in the appropriate places. And, yes, I am constantly seeking metaphors. I read and then re-read sentences to gain meaning from their construction, their tone, their choice of words. I could literally spend hours on one or two well-turned phrases, extracting their full depth and enriching their meaning.

For example, the above Scripture is one of my favorites (yes, I do say that a lot ~ guess I really just love God’s word). At first glance it tells me that GOD Himself cares for me. HE says so, “I myself will tend my sheep;” and I’ve learned HE doesn’t flippantly say, or not say, anything (Ezk 34:15). This passage does not say, “I’m sending my angels in descending order to look after my sheep depending upon their righteous living. The martyrs warrant archangels, the prophets and missionaries get cherubim and seraphim, while the rest of you sinners can look out for yourselves.” No! The Sovereign LORD says, “I myself will tend my sheep.” GOD will personally search for the lost, retrieve those who wander, and heal the hurts of those wrecked by sin. GOD, who spoke the entire universe into existence, is personally looking after you; searching for you, calling you back, desiring to heal your wounds and strengthen you.

Amazing, isn’t it? You might have noticed that HE doesn’t just say that once. GOD says, “I will” five times. In case you didn’t catch it on the first read, HE reiterates that fact ~ in five separate instances. The Almighty GOD will personally tend to you.

The other part of this passage that I love is the use of the word, “will.” Notice the word is not “did;” GOD’s Son, Jesus Christ, did die for all the sins of the world ~ past tense. But the Creator of the Universe chose “will” to describe His relationship with us. This word shows futurity ~ it is going to happen. It denotes habitual action ~ something that is repeated again and again; then, now, & tomorrow. And it indicates an inevitable tendency ~ the action [or verb] following “will” is certain to take place.

The Sovereign LORD does not forgive us once & then abandon us to our soul-destructive tendencies. Instead, HE teaches us that it is HIS character, HIS very nature, to keep rescuing us, keep finding us, keep healing us. Even if HE has to take us back to the day of clouds and darkness to do so. And HE will continue to tend to us for all eternity. For we are HIS and HE is ours!

HALO rescue operation

Some time ago (or perhaps not that long), my husband tested for the opportunity to become a member of one of the most elite combat rescue teams in today’s military ~ USAF Pararescue, or PJ’s as they are more commonly referred to. He passed of course (though some sources say the failure rate is upwards of 80%); but chose marriage over combat, much to the distress and fury of all his drill instructors. Since then, I have held a minute fascination with the mindset of these men, willing and capable of putting so much on the line. Daily. Without hesitation. In fact, they long for it.

(Now, I am personally unable of doing what they do; of enduring what their families are asked to endure. And in no way do I intend any disrespect to them with what I am about to say. Imitation is the truest form of flattery; I hold them in highest esteem, which is why I aspire thus.)

The motto of PJ’s is: “That others may live.” Their symbol, a parachute backing an angel holding the world, is called the “angel of mercy.” Their objective: not "seek and destroy" (Navy Seals), but "seek and save" ~ to rescue pilots downed behind enemy lines and safely return these servicemen to their home. They willingly hurl themselves out of planes, directly into the enemy’s territory, to find, give medical attention to, and lead to safety those who the enemy has crippled with hostile fire; at very immediate risk to their own lives.

Spiritually speaking, we as Christians are at war. Our enemy is prowling, devouring brothers and sisters from our very ranks, as well as those who have yet to receive salvation. He is bombarding us daily with hostile fire; sometimes with arrows, sometimes Howitzer rounds.

Effective and accurate though the enemy may be, we serve a God who hears the cries of His afflicted children. For one wound in particular, He has anointed a group of women, whom I am humbled beyond measure to count as my sisters in arms, to act as spiritual PJ’s for women captured by the enemy. This sisterhood is comprised of women leaders and prayers involved in the study, Surrendering the Secret: Healing the Heartbreak of Abortion. The captives, post-abortive women, have been downed behind the enemy’s lines, wounded and wandering, aching for hope, and yearning for rescue.

The Surrendering the Secret sisters (the STS, leaders and prayer warriors alike) take up the sword of the Spirit, don the full armor of God, and launch themselves directly behind enemy lines to lead wounded captives to freedom. During the course of this rescue mission, STS families are subject to spiritual warfare unparalleled in the common church. Marriages are attacked, children are targeted, emotions leveled with landmines, and the spirits of these women are accosted on all sides; they become battered and weary. Yet none would trade a day of this battle for hundreds of peace; the goal far too important; the task too worthy; the Commander too glorious to deny. These women fight for, tend to, cajole, and sometimes even carry their downed sisters through the enemy’s landscape (their pasts) to the vista of the cross. And when the cross is reached, the captive women exchange their shackles for the redemption of Christ. The rescued become fellow sisters, no longer behind enemy lines, but free.

That others may live ~ in the fullness of freedom in Christ!

Beauty Irrevocable

Today I sent my little girl off to the first grade, a milestone in any book. True to our parental duties, my husband and I subjected her to the obligatory photo sessions, both at the house and as we arrived at school. And my precious little girl was more than happy to oblige. She sashayed around the house in her new shoes and skirt. She admired her hair in the mirror. She happily struck pose after pose with her new backpack and lunch box. And her father told her, with each flash, that she is beautiful; she should be a model. Her amber eyes danced with the delight of knowing she is beautiful; and that someone else recognizes this truth.

Later, as I was uploading said photographs, noticing for the first time how much of a young lady my daughter has become, my reminiscing stopped short as ice filled my veins. How long does she have until she, too, becomes a slave to the lies? The time when she looks at pictures of herself, sees her reflection, and doesn’t see beauty? When, instead of delighting in her own skin, she picks herself apart; mentally ticking off features that don’t fit the fashion magazine mold. Ten years? Twenty? Two?

Because that day comes, doesn’t it ladies, when our father’s compliments (if there ever where any) aren’t valid or enough. When we unknowingly switch from casual delight in whom we are, to constantly striving to be what we never will. If only I had a body like that model…If only I was as creative/successful/organized as she…If only someone would notice me.

I worry because to some extent, it happens to every woman. It could be merely life, the sum of our personal experiences, convincing each one of us that for whatever reason, we are lacking. It could be society; the media an easy target for bearing the weight of parental and personal responsibility. Or celebrities; people so lost in darkness they can’t even find their own hearts. (I can’t condemn Miley Cyrus for her recent dance any more than I can fault a solider for the gaping hole in his chest left by a mortar round. Her world, perhaps in a more immediate sense than mine, is full of a darkness so virulent it devours innocence.) Though closer to the truth I think, is the deception of a master illusionist. One bent on the annihilation of generations. A slanderer who repeats our failures to us, reminds of us the things we are not; and tries to make us forget the things that we are.

And slowly, we trade our “if only’s” for lies. When I have a body like that model, I will be beautiful. When I am more creative/successful/organized than she, I will be happy. I will find someone to notice me, at any cost. And even more slowly, we sacrifice ourselves. We stop eating; we frantically try to control who others think we are; we push our children to be what we never were; we allow unthinkable horrors to be inflicted on our hearts. We give ourselves in ways that steal our already fragile beauty. We deny the truth that is in us in exchange for scattered moments of the fleeting semblance of the girl we once were ~ delighted with being beautiful. With being the girl God created her be.

We each are beautiful; a poem written by God, painstakingly crafted to His ideal version of who we should be. We must remember this. We must sow this truth in the hearts of our daughters; into the minds and onto the tongues of our sons. We must combat each lie with truth.

You are beautiful. You are wonderfully made. You are God’s idea of what you should be.

Healthy Living in a Fast Food Culture

^{Hebrews 5:14 "}But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil."

I pondered the health risks of American culture recently, with my kids tucked in the back of my smaller SUV; eagerly anticipating yet another quickie meal from an international food company. Passing deep-fried potato strips to my children to reward them for finishing their quasi-meat patty, I felt the familiar wave of parental guilt. The kids love the drive-through. I find the overall convenience highly enticing.

But, as a mature adult, I know better. I know that a burger and fries aren't ideal for their little bodies. I know that I'm setting them up for poor eating habits as they grow. I know that I should be feeding them organic, locally grown, healthy foods. But I frequently choose laziness. Why? Because I'm too tired, or too bored, or too distracted.  Or frankly, unmotivated to cook. So we hop in the car and head off to procure a meal. And while it's not healthy, it is still technically food. It satiates. Hunger subsides for a while. The kids are still growing; they have energy. But this is not how God designed them to be fueled. And as the mature person responsible, I know that.

The Happy Meal Project: artist Sally Davies photoraphed the above food as it sat on her table every day for 137 days.  See the slide show here; but don't expect to rush out any time soon for a fast and easy meal.

In a culture where immediate gratification rules supreme, I am not surprised by my tendancies towards the easy life.  Even in the context of spirituality.  I frequent Bible studies hosted by local churches; my growth housing shelves of workbooks to that end.  Each a testament of the video guided curriculum, a semester's worth of instruction in the Word.  Someone else's message prepared and packaged neatly for my quick ingestion.  But why does it feel like spiritual fast food?

What if I relied entirely on just that for my spiritual growth?  For my life?  Eventually, wouldn't my system become accustomed (even toxic) to that which initially satiated me?  A meal prepared entirely by someone else; to their particular tastes and moods.  Convenient ~ yes.  A means to procure nourishment ~ again, yes.  Though eventually, I believe the spirit seeks more; that to which Hebrews 5:14 refers.

Each believer, becoming more mature in their faith is told to "train themselves" by "constant use" (Hebrews 5:14).  This means that as we mature in our walk ("Christianese" for: reading the Bible more, getting closer to God through conversations, and looking less like the world and more like Christ), we are required to dig deeper into God's Word ourselves.  This must be a daily practice; not for others, but for ourselves so that we may be able to digest the heavy passages of Scripture alone with the Spirit.  We have to be willing to examine the seeds planted by others, to tend them as one does a garden.  To identify when they are ready for harvest; and to pluck them at just the right moment.  We have to learn how to prepare these truths as one does a delicacy: paying particular attention to the greatest nutritional value.  And we have to savor these lessons, garnered not from others but from the literal sweat off our own brow.  The nights spent mulling; days  exhausted in patiently waiting for fruition.  We each are called to figuratively plant, harvest, and prepare our spiritual gardens.

I am not saying that a believer should avoid collective Bible studies; quite the opposite!  A mature believer (and you know who you are), should not rely on these to feed your spirit.  Whomever the teacher on the video or behind the podium, the Holy Spirit is calling you to a deeper, more meaningful relationship.  Filling in blanks in a workbook is like eating hamburgers from a drive-thru.  They fill you up; but they do nothing for your health.  You are the only one, after daily training yourself on the Truth, who can recognize when the easy, neatly packaged lessons aren't enough.  When you have to dig deeper, put forth more effort.

That's when you give up the spiritual drive-thru for a Holy Spirit inspired garden.

Here's an article that explains how to begin a vegetable garden

And just for fun, here's an animated short entitled "What if Wild Animals Ate Fast Food."

Stay

Out of curiosity, I recently visited Wikipedia and found 29 songs listed with the title, "Stay." Stay. There is an ache, whatever the genre, in that single word. A desperate plea. An admission of some other over-arching emotion. Love. Fear. Loneliness. The need for companionship; for witness to our fragile existence. Don't go. Stay.

I am not immune to that ache. I have known it's many forms. I have been overcome and I have been victorious over this state time and again. My days now are filled with a joy and purpose I for so very long thought impossible. However, of late it has been my heart's cry. I have been privy to a particular healing group, a sisterhood of women who have sought truth in face of their darkest moments; women who have knelt before the cross of Jesus Christ and traded their shame for His righteousness. And I have seen God work miracles in their hearts. He has brought springs out of parched ground and gardens from wastelands (Isaiah 41: 18-19). Upon my sisters, He has bestowed a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. And we each walk away, displaying the LORD's splendor (Isaiah 61:3). I have literally seen these transformations weekly. I have been transformed.

Therefore, it stands to reason that I would not readily walk away from this holy site. But circumstances are commanding my respite. Some, frankly, are quite joyful ~ a fellow sister will stand in my stead and I am praising GOD for the chance for her to bear this witness and toil in this blessed vineyard as well! Some are near and dear to my heart; and some are, seemingly, just life. But as I watched the light from 13 candles illuminate the dark corner of a room, I said to my Adonai, "You can't ask me to walk away. Don't take this from me."

Why? Was I so selfish that I wanted this only for myself? Did I think this wouldn't happen without me in the room? No. It was the fear that if I left this arena, I would loose this closeness, this intimacy with my Yahew Roi [the LORD is my Shepherd]. I was desperate not to loose this holy place, this level of relationship with Him.

"Stay!" My heart cried out, "don't go!" Tears soaked my prayers, my worship; my knees grew numb from begging. But eventually, I had to get up. Life wouldn't wait (my 3 year-old needed breakfast and he is very adamant about eating). Throughout my days, I kept silently insisting, "stay. Stay!"

And in His tender way, my Abba took me into His arms, and wiped away my tears. He held me, He listened to my pleas, but He did not change His mind. His will was not bent to suit my desires. Instead, He told me of a time when another one of His children did not want to let go...

Paraphrased from Matthew 16:21-17:5, with personal commentary
Jesus revealed to his disciples that He would be put to death, a horrible death preceded by torture, by the chief priests of Jerusalem. There is a part of me that believes He did this not only to indicate His divinity, but to prepare those who loved Him. He was getting them ready for what was inevitable. Upon hearing this news, His disciples were frantic, most likely heartbroken. They pledged their lives in exchange for His. Peter even declared, "never!" Christ's rebuke was fairly harsh; but He never was one to pull any punches. Days passed without comment, though I assume that his dearest friends were still silently distraught. And He knew this. So, Jesus takes Peter, James, and John with Him to the top of a mountain for time alone to pray. Each man was probably thinking of this time as a chance to draw closer to Jesus, to soak up His nearness after such a distressing revelation. Up the mountain they went. During this prayer time, Christ is transformed into His heavenly glory; and He is met atop this mountain by Elijah and Moses. Why does this happen in front of Peter, James, and John? Maybe Jesus wanted to comfort them with the knowledge that He is the Son of God; therefore He knew what would take place and He had already made the choice to follow through ~ for the sake of every soul in the world. The disciples were astounded; some books say they were afraid, some say they didn't know what to do. And then Peter begs. Peter tells Jesus he will build three tents to house Christ, Elijah, and Moses ~ to keep Jesus there, in the temporal, in immediate contact with Peter. "Stay," is Peter's heart's cry. At that moment, the mountain is enveloped in a cloud and a voice from the cloud says, " This is My Son, whom I love; with Him I am well pleased. Listen to Him."

"Listen to Him." The implication being, "abandon your own plans. Follow His directions." Peter, who loved Jesus, didn't want to let go. He wanted to stay with Jesus in the closest sense. But Peter couldn't understand what Christ's death would accomplish. Peter couldn't know what plans God and Jesus had following the Crucifixion. In order to see the apex of all history, Peter would have to let Jesus go. He would be required to experience physical distance in order to have spiritual closeness beyond imagination. Peter would have to be obedient, in spite of his emotions. In spite of his heart. Peter heard the voice of God telling him to listen to Jesus. And Jesus was preparing him for a time of relationship which was beyond Peter's comprehension.

And so, my Heavenly Father showed me that I can not understand His plans. And sometimes, my heart's desire may actually stand in the way of those plans. Albeit unwittingly. So, He asks me to trust Him. Because whatever is on the other side is very much worth it.

Tonight, I kneel before my Adonai. I am letting go, Lord. Help me let go.

What comes next?

Adonai ~ Lord Master

I am aware that God has placed a purpose into all our lives; a task that He has specifically for each of us. Adonai [Lord Master] is calling each of His children to behave as servants in furthering His kingdom; and each has been given a particular venue, task, and the specific order in which to do just that. In Luke 17:7-10, Jesus is speaking to the disciples about that very thing. Jesus reminds them that they each are serving God; and God will instruct them on what tasks to perform, in what order. This instruction makes it so the disciples can not boast in their ingenuity; but only say that they were merely doing the task assigned them by God, to the glory of Adonai. Naturally, the same holds true for us today.

My prayer is that we will each spend time with our Lord Master seeking His direction for the next step of our journey. I pray that Adonai, speaks clearly to our hearts; and that we are all attentive and obedient to His beckoning.

I am excited to see what God, our Adonai, has revealed in the hearts of His children, and where this journey will take each of us next!