What comes next?

Adonai ~ Lord Master

I am aware that God has placed a purpose into all our lives; a task that He has specifically for each of us. Adonai [Lord Master] is calling each of His children to behave as servants in furthering His kingdom; and each has been given a particular venue, task, and the specific order in which to do just that. In Luke 17:7-10, Jesus is speaking to the disciples about that very thing. Jesus reminds them that they each are serving God; and God will instruct them on what tasks to perform, in what order. This instruction makes it so the disciples can not boast in their ingenuity; but only say that they were merely doing the task assigned them by God, to the glory of Adonai. Naturally, the same holds true for us today.

My prayer is that we will each spend time with our Lord Master seeking His direction for the next step of our journey. I pray that Adonai, speaks clearly to our hearts; and that we are all attentive and obedient to His beckoning.

I am excited to see what God, our Adonai, has revealed in the hearts of His children, and where this journey will take each of us next!

Bent and smoldering

A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out, till he leads justice to victory. In his name the nations will put their hope.

Isaiah 42:3-4 & Matthew 12:20-21

Truth, while Christ promises will set us free, is sometimes difficult to even acknowledge and harder to bear. Particularly truth about our past sins and their consequences. We know that everyone has sinned and fallen short of the glory of God; and sin carries with it a death sentence. And while sin is sin, no one being any greater than another, some carry more immediate consequences. And those consequences, reactions to our sinful actions, can pummel us to the breaking point. Hurt beyond all reason; clothe us with pain seemingly insurmountable.

But another promise from our Mighty Creator, Elohim, is that He is gentle. He will not break those who are bent and bruised past what we think is possible for us to stand. When we are so buffeted that it feels like our flame has been extinguished, He will not snuff out our wick. He sent His only Son, Jesus to tenderly guide us towards justice and victory. It is through these trials that we will learn to place our hope evermore in Him!

When we expose the truth of our past dark deeds, we may be so brokenhearted, so trampled by the enemy, that we feel as if even this exposure will break us. But God will not allow us to be ruined in our attempts at reconciliation with him. He will not let our past overcome His future for us. He will tenderly guide us towards His victory. So that through our brokenness, His glory is even more evident. And those around us will also place their hope in Him!

Though He is mighty enough to speak the universe into existence, He is gentle enough to keep even the most bruised reed from breaking. Whatever your heartache, He can heal it.

Love Story

In the past six months, I have felt God’s love move in ways I’d thought were reserved for only the most pious believers. He ransomed my heart, He allured me, and He lavished me with His love! And when I think about my life, I realize that it is a love story. Not ideal, but a love story nonetheless. I see places where my beaten heart was protected by my God; other times where my attention to Him was prodded by my pain. In both instances, He stood, ever ready, to hold me in His embrace and drown me in His love.

I ponder the women in my story, ranging in age from 20 to 52. And I see amazing, intelligent, and beautiful individuals created in the image of God. (Yes, even we women were created in HIS image.) However listening to their stories, much like mine, I hear something frightening. I hear the voice of the enemy. His breath is hot on their ears, his forked tongue speaking deceit and ruin into their spirits. Unequivocally, when women speak, they say, “I am not ________ enough.” Pretty, smart, talented, witty, pleasing, frugal, tiddy, strong, good, creative, industrious, brave…all these adjectives have filled in the blank. But the underlying theme is “I am not enough.” This particular weight, this lie from Satan’s lips, is the burden under which so many of us toil. Entire lives lived beneath the crushing burden of “not enough,” never realizing their worth.

So many of us know that God sent His only Son to die on the cross to pay for our sins (John 3:16 ~ For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life). This, according to John 15:13 (Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends) was the ultimate act of love. This is the Truth! In this truth we can have faith, we are given hope, and the very essence of this truth is love. (1Cor 13:13 And now, these three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love).

However, I believe that many of us take the story to end there; the ink dried and the book was snapped shut after the work Christ did on the cross. Yes, we acknowledge that we must accept this gift from the ancient past and even that we are to communicate to God intermittently through prayer. But as for the love story, it has already been written.

But the story doesn’t end there! That is only the preface. God yearns, longs, for an intimate relationship with each of us. One in which we are His focus and He is ours. And not a relationship with the “church body,” the plural form of “us.” No, God wants this intimacy with individuals. With “Jen” “Barbie” “Ken” or “Joe.” God loves each person as an individual and craves an intimate relationship with that individual, separate from all others.

What if we allowed our God to become the lover of our soul? Infinitely better than a fallible human soul-mate; He is the One who wants to allure us (Hosea 2:14), the One who desires our presence, the One who sees us for who we truly are (Genesis 16:13). Jesus declared that the greatest commandment is to “Love the Lord you God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all you mind and will all your strength (Mark 12:30). I believe that if we could move past the idea of the Grandfather in white robes, we might be able to see God as the desire of our hearts. A God we could love this passionately; and allow ourselves to be loved by Him in a very passionate, intimate way. That relationship, that intimacy is what we were made for.

Another reason I believe God wants us to be passionately loved by Him is the Song of Solomon. This book isn’t only in the Bible to tell us of marital relations and the importance of purity. In it, God invites us to desire a relationship with him that is like the 1st verse of Song of Solomon (Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine). A relationship that is full of passion, longing, and love; a relationship in which we are His focus; and He is ours.

He is the God who calls out to our hearts, (Song of Solomon 2:10)

My lover spoke and said to me,

"Arise, my darling,

my beautiful one, and come with me."

Does God desire to be our lover? In Hosea 2:14, God says He will “allure [us]; [He] will lead [us] into the desert and speak tenderly to [us].” God says we “will call [Him] ‘[our] husband.” God also says He “will betroth [us] to [Him] forever; [He] will betroth [us] in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. [He] will betroth [us] in faithfulness, and [we] will acknowledge the Lord” (Hosea 2:19-20). Through Christ’s righteousness and compassion we are betrothed to God. Through God’s love, faithfulness, and justice are we His brides.

Because when we prostitute ourselves out to other suitors (worldly pursuits), HE is jealous, as a lover would be. Like Gomer in Hosea (Ch 2), we fill ourselves with idols of our times; and I am chief amongst you guilty of this. I have put myself above God, I have used alcohol, drugs, sex, food, worldly beauty, pursuit of knowledge, love for my husband and love for my children as replacements for God’s love. I have used good works, friendships, genuine attempts at piety, and even religion to fill in for the love of my soul. Every time I am let down. Because only God can sustain that kind of intimacy; where we are loved, valued, and delighted in every breath of our lives. He yearns to cherish us as His bride, to steal away like newlyweds excitedly exclaiming over every new discovery and reveling in every moment together.

Why can’t we be that in love with HIM?

What if you could see right through me?

I am surprisingly inspired by a new friend, a few years my junior, who has decided to be completely transparent. She's calling fat days just that ~ fat days. And for someone recovering from a lifetime battle with an eating disorder, I stand in abject admiration. She's done pretending, done faking, done with the whole charade. I am so proud to call this woman a friend; spurred on by her willingness to just be.

Yet here I am, three decades in, having spent a lifetime practicing image management: learning what to say to whom, how to say it, and when to swallow my thoughts. Why? To be considered pleasing; to be thought of as a pleasant and worthwhile person. Think debutante, junior league, 1950's country club; crinolines, white gloves, and ruby, red punch in cut-glass cups. And the suffocating feeling of donning your "every thing's peachy-keen" face so the world won't think you're too messy, too emotional, too much effort.

Today, in an attempt to honor my friend's valiant strides, I am setting down my punch glass (and yes, I do so with a little extra force so that the ruby, red punch sloshes over the sides onto the pristine white table cloth beneath. See, I am a mess). I'm tossing my delicate white gloves on top of the heap of tulle in the corner that is my abandoned crinoline. Today, I'm going to be see-through.

Today, I want to say that I'm tired; not weary, more the sick-and-tired sense. I'm tired of hashing and rehashing my past. For the holiday season, I'd like to just let it be that ~ my past. I'm not saying I want to put it away forever. I know that I have been called to share my testimony with others; I know that I have been redeemed and I am so blessed to be able to give the glory to God for this. But I also know that HE does not define me by my past sin. HE sees me restored, a new creation. HE doesn't look at me and see my sin; HE looks at me and sees HIS Son. Yet in the earthly realm, I feel the scarlet A is emblazoned on my chest for everyone to gawk and judge. Today, I want to walk into a room and just be God's Jenni: His forgiven, redeemed daughter; His fair one.

Today, I want to say my trust has been broken. I made myself vulnerable, on more than one occasion; and that vulnerability was capitalized upon, manhandled. So that now, I'm curling tightly into my safety ~ my God. And I'm going to be more discerning about allowing myself to be that vulnerable. Today, I'm working on trusting my God with everything, starting with my heart and dreams.

Today I want to say that I am a work in progress. I am rarely bold (hence the blog), frequently inappropriately sarcastic, and always messy (literally and figuratively). I get angry far too often, I interrupt all the time, and I snort when I really laugh. I want people to like me; it makes me feel valued, worthy. I'm trying to get over that ~ trying. Today, I'm praying that I can smell more like Christ than I did yesterday.

So I'll pick up my glass of punch again, don my white gloves, and struggle back into my crinoline, admitting that I am a broken mess without the forgiveness of Christ. But I know that His forgiveness is complete and in His eyes, I am not that person any longer. I know that my heart, however hurt it may have been is safe with Him. And I know that everyday I try, I come closer to being a "Christian;" which is literally a "little Christ." And I am so thankful that I don't need crinolines to be acceptable to the King of Kings ~ He loves me for who I am; and I am His!

Apple Pie

It's the cold weather, really. Rarely will you find me in the kitchen for industrious purposes. (To consume, yes; to prepare? No.) However, there was an autumnal chill around the edges of the day. Slightly overcast skies, calling to mind impending wool-sweaters, sent me scurrying for the oven. I do love to bake when the mood strikes; the ultimate mood-enhancer being weather. However, today was different. There was a heaviness about ~ a lurking undercurrent of dread. Baking seemed so frivolous, truly anti-climactic, when compared with the tone of my heart.

Restlessness, cynicism, pride, fear, isolation. I wrestled each at one point. Where I landed surprised even me. ~ I settled on apple pie. The quintessential American baked-good. Because, I know that GOD is in control. At all times, in all things.

No political officer can take the place of El Elyon [the Most High God].
No political party can outlast El Olam [the Everlasting God].
No army can conquer El Gibbor [the Mighty God].
No leader nor circumstance will convince me to abandon El Roi [the God who sees me], El Chaiyai [the God of my life], El Yeshuati [the God of my salvation]!

Resting in the sufficiency of El Shaddai [the All-Sufficient God], I recognize that in this country I am able to worship, El Hannora [the Awesome God], as I please. I may sit in the church of my choice. I have the right to speak out against any decision made by any administration, without fear of punishment or retribution. I can purchase a Bible in any town in this country. I can stand on the street corner and read from Scripture aloud. I may call upon the name of my GOD, I may set HIM as a seal upon my heart, as a visible seal upon my arm, without fear. I may introduce myself as a Christ-follower. All because El Hakkadosh [the Holy God] reigns, forever and ever. Amen.

So tonight, my family gathered around a homemade apple pie, gave thanks to YHVH [LORD GOD], and prayed for the well-being of our great nation.

Measuring Cup

1 Thessalonians 5:17 "Pray continuously."

Ruminating on prayer and the philosophical questions that sometimes follow ("If God knows my heart, why do I need to ask?" or "Do my prayers affect God's actions?" and "If so, why does the Almighty LORD of the universe need my cooperation?"), my mind settled on a simple, white measuring cup.

The cup I saw in my mind's eye is resting in a drawer in my kitchen, the baking drawer to be precise. This particular cup has been with me since my marriage began and has seen it's fair share of use; nine years of cakes, pies, stews, attempts at new recipes, and relative successes with favorites. Over the years, with the cup ever-ready, I have gotten better at cooking and baking. I make less of a mess; my mistakes are fewer and further between. I am now able to have fresh-baked cookies ready to eat in thirty minutes, from pulling out ingredients to dunking in milk.

That is, until recently. My children used to be content watching, eating a few chocolate chips here and there, and enjoying the fruits of my labor. But now, they want to be involved. So, my baking time waxes to an hour; there is flour all over the kitchen. And sometimes, the cookies don't turn out as expected.

When we bake, the worn, white measuring cup is now the favorite of my children. They excitedly determine who gets to hold it first, while Mom fills it; how many times they get to pour it's contents into the bowl. Their eyes are bright as we work together to create something; they chatter enthusiastically throughout the process. We laugh, we hug, and every so often, we throw flour at each other. If the mess is greater than usual or cookies don't turn out, it matters not, because we've spent time together.

Which brings me back to prayer. My Heavenly Father, Almighty God, certainly doesn't need my help to accomplish His will. In fact, when I do try, I will make a bigger mess, take longer, and sometimes spoil the recipe entirely. But because He loves me, He wants to spend time with me. He desires to make me feel like I'm helpful because that tells me I'm important to Him. And because I am uniquely important to Him, though He knows my heart better than I, He desires to hear directly from me how I feel.

So, my God hands me a measuring cup. And though I am inept and frequently messy, He lovingly tells me that we'll work together, to build our relationship. Which is the reason He gives me the cup in the first place.

Preparing to Go Out

Antsy. I feel like my legs are pumping in the air, just ready to hit the ground at full speed. But there is a reason I'm not yet touching the ground; some explanation for why I haven't been turned loose. The reason is simple, though I don't want to acknowledge it ~ I'm not ready. I want very much to be. And I am impatient at the thought of more waiting; more preparation.

However, God's word shows us that before we enter life-altering service to our King, we need preparation. Much like a slovenly peasant coming in out of the field, I am far too crass, too awkward, too dirty to be a representative of the King of kings. Please understand ~ I am worthy to enter into His courts, because I am His adopted daughter. He pursued me, relentlessly, in the muck and mire to which I had run. His son Jesus, brought me into this palace; He covered my with His pristine robes of royalty and presented me to His Father. And His Father said, "welcome back, little girl. How We've missed you! Now, Let's get to work."

I've found that before any redeemed children can jump directly into the roles for which our Father destined us, we need His divine preparation. Sometimes we know what our roles are, and even how to go about accomplishing them. Other times, we do not. In Genesis 6:13-22, God tells Noah exactly what he is do to (build the ark, get all the animals on board, get in the boat). "And Noah did everything just as God commanded him (Gen 6:22)." In those few lines of scripture, we see Noah's preparation. Where? Well, the ark took more than a day to build. So God was preparing Noah through his project. Noah hadn't ever seen rain; had no need for an ark. The act of getting up everyday and going back to the task that God had assigned him was a great act of faith. And Noah was going to need a whole lot of faith if he was going to get onto a boat, float for only-God-knew how long, land only-God-knew where, and start re-populating the world. In his daily obedience, God was growing Noah's faith to handle what would come next.

We see a different story in the book of Ester. Having been plucked from her family and carted off to potentially wed a king, Ester had no idea that she was being groomed by her God to save her people. In Ester 2:12, we read that before a girl could be presented to the king, she had to undergo a year of beauty treatments. While her "job" was to try to please the king, she needed a great deal of preparation in order to make this attempt. She would first have to be pleasing to his eyes, then his touch, before she could be close enough to his heart to gain his trust. And in order to do the job for which God was preparing her, she would have to be close enough to the king to have his ear even more than his most trusted advisers. And only a wife is that close.

In Daniel 1:5, we see that the youths who were entering the king's service had to undergo 3 years of training before they could test. In that time, Daniel also had to choose to be obedient to his God, as opposed to being swayed by the cultural norms. So Daniel had to learn about these cultures, but keep himself separate from them. Then, he could be the man God would use to influence kings. And through his service, only God would be glorified.

Please don't hear that women are only valued by their looks (Ester was only prepared with beauty treatments) and only guys are valued for their intellect and faith (Daniel was prepared with 3 years of teaching and Noah by building the ark). What's going on here is a specific preparation for God's specific purpose. Noah didn't need 6 months of oil baths to get him ready to sit in a boat with all the animals of creation. So, God didn't prepare him that way. Daniel didn't need 6 months of beauty treatments to prepare to serve the king in a God-honoring way. Look at the practical means of service ~ Noah needed a mode of transport for himself, his family, and a literal zoo. God prepared him for this by telling him to get to work on that vessel, though he'd never seen a drop of rain. Daniel needed to be steeped in the intellectual and cultural norms, so that he could serve as Nebuchadnezzar's advisor; but separated from these norms so all the glory would go to God. Ester needed to be closer to the king than an advisor. Who is the closest person to a man's heart? His wife. Therefore, in order to enter the innermost circle of the king's trust, Ester had to prepare to become the woman a king would desire.


Don't look at the preparation of another as necessarily appropriate or even needed for your specific service. Frankly, I would much prefer a year of beauty treatments to building an ark. But, if God wants me to be on the boat, oil baths and beauty treatments will do me no good in furthering His will.

For now, I will keep my zealous anticipation for my intended service with the understanding that I'm in a time of preparation. I feel like I'm being groomed, in a fashion, after each of these individuals. God's given me a ministry; so like Noah, I don't know where it's going to take me, but I'm out there daily, building my boat to God-only-knows where. I am, like Daniel, learning about the cultural and intellectual norms of our society; not to embrace them, but so that I may be separate from them and in this glorify my God. And I am in a way being treated like Ester. My speech is being refined to something more beautiful (not eloquent, but not harsh or cruel either). And I am enjoying baths of oil, not literal baths~figurative of course, so that I am a beautiful, softly glowing bride for when I meet my groom ~ Jesus Christ ~ in person!