Yesterday was my 13th
wedding anniversary. Because the Officer
had to work, we’re celebrating today.
The man I met at new student orientation for the University of New
Mexico [and then again on frat row, which is another story entirely] is now
treating me to an overnight escape at a swanky hotel in downtown Denver and a
VIP showing of the DAM’s “Becoming Van Gogh” exhibit. Art isn’t exactly his thing, nor is sleeping
in a bed that is a mere thirty minutes from his, but he’ll do just about
anything to make me smile. He’s a keeper.
And yes, “escape” is just
the right word for our celebration. I’ll
be quite honest, dear reader, this year was hard. Phenomenally, unexpectedly, lingeringly hard. And no, neither of us has come out of it
unscathed. There were internal
struggles, but mostly there were external forces at work that tested the very
fabric of our marriage. But God…broke through everything we were
going through and helped us focus on what really mattered: Him first [always] and
each other. The rest of it, well, it’s
going to burn away, to wither and rot. My
prayer, as we put this year behind us, is that our marriage will be a testament
of God’s grace in a world full of fallen people who are just like us and need
nothing but to be loved.
There were those who knew
us way back when who wagered among themselves as to whether or not we’d last
six months. Apparently, most of our
close friends and even some family felt that our union was the Seabiscuit of
marriages. I’d smirk now, except that I
can take none of the credit. I have
often said that on that crisp night under the desert stars, I made a covenant with a God I didn’t know,
to love in a way that I couldn’t understand a man I had, really, only just met. Thirteen years, three states, and two
children later, we are still learning what it means to honor that
covenant. What has amazed me most is
that God has held me to my word, even as He held up His end of the deal; in
spite of the fact that I was just a starry-eyed girl swathed in white, giddy
with the prospect of being in swooning-love for the rest of forever, and who
had no idea what that commitment would require of her.
[And here’s where I get to
sound like an old, married lady:] Because today I can say without hesitation
that marriage takes work. That swooning-breathless
love is possible to keep, but it requires lots and lots and lots of arduous effort
to maintain; or to recover, if ever it becomes lost. While we’re
still figuring this whole two-people-becoming-one thing, I have found the following
seven points to be the ones to which we return time and again:
1.
Share
each other’s interests: The boy [for really, at that point
we were hardly grown-up] who took swimming and Hitchcockian film classes just
to be with me is the same Officer who enjoys our Christmas tradition of the
Nutcracker ballet and surprises me with art museum tours for date night. He’s the one for whom I actually read the
sports section during football season, so I might be able engage in a decent
conversation about the Broncos [until Elway shirked on his word to let Tebow
start and put
the-reason-we’ll-be-looking-for-a-new-quarterback-in-two-years-at-best on the
roster, but I digress...]. And he’s the
reason I am going for a concealed carry permit; and the only person with whom I
enjoy pumping iron, or summiting 14ners after tenting in the woods, or watching
movies that involve centurions or Spartans or Black Hawks. And he is absolutely the only man with whom I
grapple…unless I’m attacked by a scary man in some dark alley, at which point I’ll
be glad of his training me thus.
Remember that you did things that were outside of your comfort zone
before you married, and you probably enjoyed them for the simple reason that
you did them with your then-future spouse.
Why should that stop after the vows have been said?
2.
Figure
out each other’s weaknesses and fill in the gaps with your strengths: The
Officer’s the one I call when I’m scared.
He’s talked me down from pulling our kids out of school or shadowing
their every breath, he’s the level head for medical emergencies [though his
deft and expert maneuvering of the car at speeds exceeding legal parameters
belie his quiet concern], and the one I wake when I can’t move but know that we
have to pray in the darkest watches
of the night. He is patient when I’m all
out; he keeps going when I want to quit.
He can schedule the heck out of a week-long hiking trip. And I’m the one who buys random pets [ferrets,
puppies, chinchillas, and chicks], moves furniture around monthly because I can’t
stand monotony, and hosts mud-pit carnivals in our backyard. I’m also the one who edits those 20 page term
papers while he teaches the 9 year old math.
He carries all the water and lets me hold little hands, pick flowers,
and turn over rocks. He takes the pictures
and lets me post them on Facebook. Face
life as a team; cover each other’s blind spots and back one another up. It will bring you closer if you can
appreciate the uniqueness in your spouse and live out of yours as well.
3.
Care
for each other: The Officer’s the one who babies me: when I’m sick, when I’m tired, when I’m both. I’m the one who, though not great at
nurturing, will cajole him into taking a nap when he can’t keep his eyes open. When he was in school [and I wasn’t], I’d
bring him snacks to help him make it through his lessons. When I was in school [and he was, too], he’d
handle dinner and the kids so that I could make it through my papers. Sometimes he does the dishes; sometimes I
take out the trash. It’s a phone call to
see if he needs anything from the store, or if I need him to start dinner. It is simply finding little ways to show one
another that s/he, and his/her time, is important to you.
4. Talk, talk, talk, talk. And then talk some more:
Tell each other your dreams, no matter how wild they are. If you want to live in Paris for a year, talk
about it. Pull out maps of the city,
pick places you’d live or work or eat.
Share your ideas; if you want to redecorate, show your spouse pictures;
conversely, if your spouse wants to redecorate, look at his/her pictures. If you want to write a book, start a blog,
paint, teach, rebuild a car…tell your spouse.
And if your spouse wants to do those things, read their manuscript [without
criticism], follow their blog, buy them a canvas, go to junk yards, or encourage
them to enroll in classes. Be his/her biggest
cheerleader. And watch as s/he believes
you and begins to live out what you already knew was true about them. Talk about what you’re learning, what you
want to learn, what your day was like, what you remember about the past, what
you hope for in the future. Share who
you are; learn who they are.
Communicate. And then get up the
next day and do it again. This is
absolutely vital to every marriage.
5.
Fight. But don’t go to bed angry:
Not a single one of us is perfect. We
are going to disagree; we’re going to have times when we don’t like the other
person very much. And when two fallen
people are making their way to becoming one, there are going to be fights along
the way. That doesn’t mean you throw in
the towel and cut your losses; it means that you remember the promise you made,
you do your very best to see your spouse through loving eyes, and be ready to
sacrifice parts of your sinful and selfish self for the greater good of US.
Don’t stuff your feelings, but don’t be ruled by them either. Do respectfully tell your spouse what hurts
you; and listen to him/her as s/he tells you what hurts him/her. But know that these problems aren’t going to
be solved in a 22 minute session, complete with commercial breaks, and that the
last thing on our minds before we sleep is what sticks for the day. If it’s angry words and tearful stone-walling,
then that’s what tomorrow will feel like.
If it’s apologies and finding common ground, then that’s what tomorrow
will be colored with as well. And if you
see the dawn before you come to a resolution, ask yourself, is my marriage
worth the lost sleep? Is the person
across from me valuable enough to sacrifice my comfort for? And know that the answer is always, “yes.”
6. Get naked together. A lot. Yep, I purposefully followed fighting with sex,
because that’s how it should work in marriage, too. Touch is one of the most
powerful tools for building, or restoring, any relationship; the marriage
relationship is no different. The
spectacular thing about marriage is that because it is the closest
relationship, couples have been given the most beautiful, mind-blowing
expression of tender intimacy. I won’t
be graphic here [my Mom reads this blog], but neither will I pretend that God
didn’t intend sex for the edification and enjoyment of two married people as
they express their love for one another.
Read Song of Solomon [together, ideally] and remember that God created your
spouse with you in mind. And this is the
one person with whom you can be completely open and, honestly, enjoy in a way
that no other person ever can. And you
can be enjoyed in such a way by your spouse as well. Don’t ever look to outside sources for the
definition of beauty; find it in your spouse.
Don’t let the world tell you what you should or shouldn’t be doing, how
you should or shouldn’t be doing it, or when or where you should. Do what you both enjoy. And do it often. Seriously.
Remember that I-can’t-not-touch-this-person feeling; and if you have to,
hire a sitter and book a hotel room, and spend some serious time reminding one
another why sex is so intoxicatingly amazing.
7.
Be
Grace-full: The Officer is
a remarkable, heroic, can’t-believe-I-get-to-be-married-to-him guy, but he
still leaves his clothes beside the bed most mornings. And I would rather do anything than fold laundry, or put it away. Anything.
Thus he is guaranteed a mountain of clean laundry stashed somewhere in
our home at any given time. I’m sure
there are a million little things that we do that have the potential to drive
the other person out of their mind. This
is what happens when two lives are smashed together and are meant to blend into
one. I’m an interrupter; it’s
chronic. And yes, I know how irritating
and flat out rude it is. I hate that I
do it, maybe even more than the Officer hates being interrupted. Maybe.
But when I do, he practices grace with me. He doesn’t lecture, he doesn’t glare; he
simply waits because he knows that this tendency in me is one that requires his
grace. He can give me this grace because
he fills himself upon the Grace that is freely given through the Love and Word
of God; so that when the Officer is with me, he can overflow this into our
marriage. And every marriage, every
life, is always in need of more grace.
Thus we encourage one another to be in God’s Word daily, we ask how the other
is doing spiritually, and we pray together.
Not every day, because we’re not perfect. But we do pray for one another daily, and
seek to pray together as often as we can.
I have to encourage you to do the same; even if it’s awkward or embarrassing
at first, it’s worth it. Far more than I
have time to explain here. But always
remember that you have to get Grace before you can give it; and of anyone on
the planet, your spouse needs your grace most of all.
Now, I’m not going to
insult you, dear reader, by pretending that there aren’t hurts and struggles
that are so much bigger than this pithy list can conquer. And I won’t ever insinuate that by doing more or just trying harder you can, all by yourself, mend what’s wrong in a
marriage. Because marriage is two sinners
trying to get their poop in a group and live life together; it requires two
willing parties. This is merely a few
things I’ve found important in my own marriage; and believe me, mine has not
been without struggles or dark times.
But I will tell you that in spite of the dark times, and maybe even
because of them, my marriage is stronger today than it was thirteen years
ago. Or even six months ago. Marriage is a work in progress, an organic
and fluid endeavor by two sinful souls making their way through a fallen
world. But because it can be the most
glorious and brightest relationship outside of one with Jesus, it is worth
every ounce of effort and attention you can afford.
May you be blessed in your
marriage, may you have happiness and lasting joy, and may your marriage outlast
even your own expectations!
Having or showing determination or resolve
