It’s been awhile now, but the
memory still crops up every now and again.
Usually when I think about what I wish church looked like; when I am
weary of the fight and considering just sitting back, retiring my fervor, and
simply signing up for a women’s bible study.
Not that there’s anything wrong with women’s bible studies—quite the
opposite! There are lots of things very
right about them. But because I’ve never
really fit in with the women’s ministry crowd, for me, they are a subtle surrender
to comfort, and … less.
I remember I was at our church-at-the-time,
chatting over “what’s going on with you these days” with a former pastor, our
then-pastor, and my husband, the Officer.
The Officer had been invited to teach and our pastor was verbally applauding
his ability thus, noting his seminary experience as additional reference. I was beaming, genuinely, because I know that
the Officer is a gifted teacher; and I love hearing others praise this quality
as well.
Our former pastor then turned to
me, knowing I, too, was a seminary student, and asked, “What about you, Jen? Are you teaching here?”
The honest answer was no; and I
said as much, quickly and emphatically, trying to show that our pastor had not
extended such an invitation. I certainly
did not want him implicated in allowing a woman to teach. I did not even want the assumption permitted
to linger.
The men returned to their small
talk; but I couldn’t shake the apprehensive feeling of being found out. You see, I do have a passion for teaching, a
desire to share God’s Word. And I do
very firmly believe that women are capable of doing so. Not just for the benefit of children and
other women; but for the edification of the entire body. And I believe that women are able to pastor
as adeptly and appropriately as men. I’m
not saying I want the job, I certainly don’t consider myself qualified for
it. But I am saying that as a sex, we
should be permitted to have it, if we are so called and gifted. Which makes me a feminist in many eyes; a
label I will not shun. But for fear of
using a word with so much negativity attached to it (at least in evangelical
circles), I won’t go so far as to say that Jesus was a feminist, too. Simply because Jesus wasn’t any –ist: not feminist, not humanist, not
traditionalist, etc…
Jesus was and is a member of the
Godhead. As such, He knew that every
single person, male or female, Jew or Gentile, slave or free, is fallen and
sinful; and therefore in desperate need of redemption and reconciliation. Jesus knew that without Him, none of us can
have a relationship with His Father, Almighty God. And so, on behalf of all of us, He was
crucified for our sins and rose again, victorious over death once and for
all. After which He sent the Holy
Spirit, another member of the Godhead, to reside in the heart of every
believer: male or female, Jew or Gentile, free or slave. And the Holy Spirit, God’s presence indwelling
the believer, gifts and empowers individual believers as He sees fit, not as
humanity deems appropriate.
That
being said, there are times when I still hesitate to openly share my position on the matter because
it goes against so much tradition. And when flouting tradition, one comes to expect
a fight. People, myself chief amongst,
have emotional connections to their theology.
But when one’s theology is challenged, emotions are engaged and we can
find ourselves involved in conflict that has the potential to end up being
highly divisive and damaging. Truth be
told, I see holding this position as a difficult, long drawn-out pursuit not for
the faint of heart. A rebellion of
sorts, not against God’s Word, but against the status quo; against the way things have always been. Thus, I don’t want to assign allegiance to
one who does not chose it; nor is it my place to out someone who quietly
supports this truth, but has as yet not given it voice. Because it is exhaustingly hard to battle
constantly with tradition. And I certainly don’t want to heave the weight
of that struggle on anyone; so I find myself doing what I can to make sure the
people around me aren’t associated too closely with my ideas, either through
purpose or inadvertent assumptions. I
find myself being quiet, holding my tongue, or blithely nodding along when
inside my head I’m refuting what’s being said to support the structures of
tradition.
Which means that compounding the
inherent struggle is the reality that there aren’t a lot of local like-minded
groups. Not too many studies or small
groups or conferences or webinars hosted by local churches that facilitate this
line of thinking. So for someone in a
semi-rural area, like me, holding to this truth can get kind of lonely. And for all the support I can find in the
twitter- and blogo-sphere, I fully admit that humans were designed as relational
creatures; and these media outlets are a meager phantom standing in the stead
of genuine, encouraging relationships.
It is in these lonely and weary times
that I want to just quit. Let someone
else do the fighting for me. It would be
easier that way. But then, I always think
about what I want my daughter and son to grow up knowing: what it means to follow Jesus, even when it’s hard or lonely or long. And I think of what it must have been like to
follow Him when He walked among humanity.
His followers had to contend with the Essenes, the Pharisees, the Sadducees,
and the Gentiles; groups that didn’t often agree. While Christ did much to correct their
doctrines during His incarnation, He didn’t come specifically for that
purpose. He came to make a way for all
who desired fellowship with Almighty God.
Even those, mentioned above, who should have known better.
Thus in keeping with my one word for 2013, I have decided to be purposeful in my interactions both online and in
real life. First and foremost, I will daily
strive to be worthy of the gospel which has saved me. I will seek first to
promote the revelatory and sanctifying truth that all who believe in Jesus and
follow Him with their whole lives will be saved. From there, because I know better, I will
keep fighting for the truth that Jesus came on behalf of all people; that His
Spirit indwells all those who believe in Him and receive His sacrificial death
as their own; that God Almighty calls and equips and empowers all
those whom He wills, be they male or female, free or slave, Jew or Gentile, for
the edification of all believers, the expanse of His kingdom, and the
glorification of His Holy and Righteous Name.
I will not allow silence to be an assention, a surrender. I will speak for those who cannot, for those who don't yet have the strength or courage, for those who do not yet know. But above all, though I may grow weary, or lonely, or afraid, I will rest in truth of gospel of Jesus Christ, who came to give freedom to the captives and healing to the brokenhearted.
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